Haylie.

The following song is what I envisioned myself someday walking down the isle to my future husband to… not saying that it won’t still happen, but Haylie has always been one to help me fantasize about my someday wedding day.  This song makes me both happy and sad, which leads me to this story.

 

 

What you see:

A gorgeous young lady, married, two beautiful children. Happy and stable in her long term job. Infectious smile, knowledge to out stand your own.

What you may not know:

She is 34. With pancreatic cancer. She is married to a wonderful brave young man named Aaron. A mother to two young children, one embarking into another school year, and another, just learning to walk on his own with out a walker. What you may not have known is that her second child was determined to be a “vegetable” in the early stages of her pregnancy, but too bad, not for her, for anyone who thought the idea was crazy. You see, she had already felt her baby kick, which meant he was alive, which meant he deserved a chance. He was there and he was something special. He was Ben.

Ben was born with water in his brain, not sure of the right terminology but his spine did not develop the right way, he was predicted to be disabled and many lost hope from the first indication during an ultra sound. I first met him in 2011, he was barely 1 year old, couldn’t hold his head up but the sweetest little man I have ever met, full of smiles and laughs that resembled his mom and dad. He held my heart in his hand.

Ben 1

Natalie, everyone will tell you she is Haylie’s mini. Through and through. Gorgeous, adventurous, brave, smart, she is everything Haylie is, in a smaller size. She’s the smartest kid I know. She outwits me in insect facts, and the fact that she has attempted T-Ball has already out done my attempt in any sport.

Phone Galaxy S3 2013 498

Haylie told the doctor’s when she was pregnant with Ben that she felt him kick, so no matter what, she will have him and love him, with disabilities or not. Haylie has had funny stories about Natalie, but mostly it was her bragging about how smart Natalie is. How she can talk you through the anatomy of a bug or a plant.

What no one knows:

Is that aside from my immediate role models, i.e., my parents, siblings, and beyonce (jk) … She is my role model. She is the strongest and most bravest woman I know. She is facing life for what it is, unfair and beautiful. She has fought cancer for over a year now, and has made no sign of giving up.

hay 1

She’s not giving up… she is tired, and physically weak, and who wouldn’t be? When doctors tell you they can suffice pain for now, and give you medication for now… do you blame her? She’s not giving up, she is brave. She’s mentioned how she didn’t want the babes seeing her this way, so, she has decided to get off treatment.

The News:

My heart sunk, my knees weakened when Aaron, her husband, walked into our work. I knew he had news, and not good news. He told us her decision, and why. He told us she’s not herself, and distant, so to please not text, call, or anything really. I’m not mad. I don’t blame her. It’s selfish… but I just want to say goodbye.

The Legacy:

I’ve never seen Haylie dance, in fact I don’t think she likes to , but what I do know is that her smile makes me smile, her laugh is the sweetest and sincerest of laughs. When I’m happy I like to dance. So to make her happy I make myself look like an idiot by dancing. Plenty of times, I have walked into the hort office and have done a jig and have gotten a smile from her even on her bad days. So now in the toughest of times, through tears, I will dance. Not because Haylie liked to, but because her smile made everything an ease.

She secured doubts when she smiled, as if it was an approval that you’ve done right, or an approval of you making an ass out of yourself. I will dance because her smile made me happy. Because her moving right along is making me move along as well.

 

Haylie is the most beautiful, sincere, kindest, smartest young woman that was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She has a husband, two children, and a ton (this in in lbs) of people that love her. We will not forget that infectious smile, that sincere laugh. The gardens will not be the same without her, but we will always dance knowing that she is approving of our jack-ass-ery.

hay 2

I love you Haylie, and this sucks. This, what you’re going through. I didn’t get to hug you goodbye on your last day at work, I didn’t get to tell you I love you like I would normally. But I love you, and you are a friend I will certainly miss. Ben will be my boyfriend until some girl steals him from me, and Natalie will be placed under our Volunteer roster during Butterfly month (she’s been wanting that position for a while). Aaron will be okay, not the same without you, but we will look after him. You are our family. I promise to kick quinceaneras off the floral clock, and dance. I love you Haylie, and even if you don’t read this, I admire you.

 

By the way,

We have never introduced ourselves to each other. So,

Hi I am Leslie, a cashier here at NCG, nice to meet you…

 

I love you Haylie.

 

A new song

There is a mixed cd out there somewhere with songs from my past. Songs that meant something at one time. I couldn’t tell you what those songs were, if they played I wouldn’t be able to notice, I don’t think. They were songs I danced to, and songs I held hands to, they were love songs.

Today my first love is getting married. I am in deep reflection today. First loves are amateur and awkward, embarrassing even. One thing that was really special though is that we thought we were each others world for only 6 months. We got every relationship moment packed in that short time. It was the most intense I ever felt about my emotions.

The funny thing is that I remember being devastated when we broke up. October 23 was our “anniversary”, and I always thought it was super special because it was Michael Jordan’s number. I was heartbroken for years after our break up, until I would be distracted by some other boys, ex boyfriends. What was that intense feeling I had?

I don’t know if I thought I’d never fall in love again, never be held again, never dance again. Not sure. Why am I in deep reflection? Because I remember a young man, even younger than me, tall and clueless, but he was funny, and caring, and thoughtful. I remember yelling at him and asking him to grow up years later when we both thought back into getting back together. He asked me once to call his girlfriend to explain to her that he’s never loved before and she was the first.

I’m reflecting today because that girl will be his wife by tonight, and that makes me really happy actually. I’m happy because he relied on an old girlfriend to build the confidence up in a new one. He asked me to tell her he loves her. Awkward position for most, but why not? He felt that strongly for her. That’s pretty cool.

He taught me to be patient with love, and nurture it. He taught me that no feeling is too intense. He taught me that when you fall in love, make sure it’s with your bestfriend. She’s a very lucky girl, he was a pretty great boy so I can only imagine he’s a great man.

We haven’t spoken in a few years and that’s okay. We both know we’ve moved on and find happiness in other things.

No one will ever be able to make me forget my first stomach butterflies, or erase my initial thought of love, but someone is showing me a new meaning to it all, and I like the way it’s going. I have a bestfriend, I waited for him, and I am crazy in love with him. He encourages me, and holds my hand, and he likes to dance battle me.

Love is up to interpretation, but I think I have it good. If it weren’t for Ross, I’m not sure what my definition of love would be today. But I am so happy I got to experience it first with him, and I am happy I got a lesson out of those short 6 months filled with love songs. I don’t know how those lyrics disappear, what makes the chords to those songs vanish. Ghostly how it left me. Time for a new song. Cheers to the Bride and Groom! Cheers to your happiness + mine!

It can be worse.

I can write a blog about the terrible things that are happening in my life, or I can tell you the things that make it happy.

For starters, I am healthy, I have a job, I have a house, and a car, I have my loved ones and great friends, and a partner to make things better.

I have to remind myself of these great things when life gets a little hectic. I can complain, but it’s useless because it can be worse. My little sister was drunk and drove a few weeks ago, she hit a pole, totaled her car and walked out alive when she shouldn’t of. I’m glad I’m not you sissy. Or how about my friend that was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer about 3 months ago, undergoing chemo and having a little boy with congenital hydrocephalus which is a handful on top of her 6 year old little girl. It could be worse. Or Tracey, her mom’s one year anniversary of her death is approaching, I can’t imagine not having my mom or dad. I don’t want to imagine that,

Believe me when say I wish I can take the pain away for all of them, and in a selfish way I hope I never have to go through those things. Here’s another blog about me being grateful, but I’m glad I can give myself that checklist to keep me steady. My life right now is a trial, it’s incredibly stressful, but how petty of me if I were to dwell on it.

I give myself time to break down and cry, but I keep it short. 5 minutes tops is what I allow myself to cry a day if at all. There is no reason for me to be sad for myself, I have it all. There will never be enough money for me not to be stressed, there won’t ever be a day where everyone is completely healthy and happy. There will never be a time when mistakes aren’t made. But my life is good.

I have what I need, and anything more would be appreciated, but gluttony is a sin after all. If you’re reading this keep in mind that you are lucky too, even if it doesn’t seem like it now, but it can be worse. Keep afloat, chin up.

If you pray please Pray for Haylie and her family, if you wish upon stars, use one up for her.

I’m lucky.

Simple Whirlwind

I’m listening to this song as my little brown fingers are blogging away. Aside from being naturally brown, I got sunburned last week, and now I’m the color crayola packages as ‘Brown’.

There are a ton of analogies I can make for life, a roller coaster, the seasons,  a box of chocolates, but we’re all doing it. Which means you know how this works. Unexpected, unpleasant things happen, and when good things do happen, you’re the champion. I have won this race, this battle, this level. I am the winner. At least this month…

So I got the promotion!!! I know it’s a bit soon but I absolutely love my new position and excited to venture into the sunset with my goals and visions.  Today was my first day on my own and as tiring as it was, it was fun. I feel like I fit in perfectly. Seeing brides and grooms in love, every weekend, setting up their vision for their perfect day, seeing them letting cares slip away, and incredibly enchanted and enamored in each others eyes has set my cynicism on the side lines and my faith in everything has been restored.

I love my job. I like my life where it’s at. I’ve been setting larger goals now that I reached one of my bigger ones for the year. Finding my own place is my immediate goal along with getting down to birth weight. I hope that in two years I have a nice down payment saved for the purchase of my first house. It’s exciting to set goals. Right now I’m excited to get to August, that will be when Happy and I vacation to Atlanta for a wedding. Taking a trip with my beau.  (Eerie but following video to be played at 1:17 mark, unless you enjoy bands, which I do, in that case enjoy the whole thing.)

That in itself has been fun. Kinda like a partner in crime, no crime done however. He’s become a diary. I tell him my days, vent, laugh, secrets, and angers.  I hope I always remember the days I needed him, Happy has really kept me together.

I need to buy new shoes so bad. My feetsies and legs aren’t going to make it past July unless I invest in some HushPuppies lol. Against my better judgement I bought sandals for work and I have dropped a total of 8 chairs on my toes. Serves me right.

Wish I can go into detail about everything, and again, I have no idea if anyone is reading, but thanks for keeping up with me if you are. I am just too tired to continue typing tonight, so instead I will attempt to watch what looks like an awful show called “The Goodwin Games”. Wish me luck.

Oh and if you need a venue for a meeting, party or wedding please call me!

😉

 

The Interview

It’s the night before my big interview. My pants are ironed and shirt steamed, jewelery and shoes ready to go. At 11am tomorrow my chance on making things better for myself falls on only me. It’s kind of crazy that my boss believes in me so much she encouraged me to apply for this position. Around Nicholas today I got good lucks and you got this! from colleagues I had no idea knew I had even applied.

Here we go. I feel like I’ve only set my heart on an actual career 2 years ago, and working 2 jobs and keeping goals has actually paid off. It feels like winning the lotto, you buy a ticket in hopes, never thinking you’d actually win. Yeah this is only an interview for what I set my heart on 2 years ago, but it feels like graduation day for me.

I never had a graduation. A lot of people don’t know that. Technically I failed senior year, both my parents had been in the hospital at the same time for different illnesses, I worked and had track after school, I was making the commute from Rockford to Rolling Meadows to Chicago and back around everyday. My attention wasn’t in my school work, more on the reality of life. Either way I spent 2 weeks of summer school the week after my class walked, and got my diploma. No gown or cap, no tassels and family cheering. I got to go into the office where it had been waiting for me to pick it up.

Even if this is an interview, this is what I want to do. This is what I have been working for. The fact that my bosses took notice and are cheering me on feels great. It may not be graduation day, but I am proud I have a chance to sit at a table and show them what I got. I’m going in prepared tomorrow, I am going to fight for this job. Wish me luck!

All good things…

At the end of last last week I was exhausted of seeing my co-workers and entirely burnt out from working 2 weeks at the florist, but today I got a pleasant surprise…

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It made me feel really good, and confident in my work. I still have not heard from the conservatory on that application, but calls for interviews will most likely happen this week. *fingers crossed* I hope I get this job.

I’m looking forward to having this weekend off. I bought my first tent for our camping trip with the Sisney/Saunders clan.

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Excited to venture and relax. Last night I had a funny dream about dandelions… you know how when they turn to the fly away white stuff? well in my dream it was a beautiful and romantic vision of a valley of them and the wind blew hard and made them fly and fall like snow, it wasn’t cold and it was so beautiful, and then a family of ducks appeared, Momma, Poppa, and 4 babies all wearing blue rain coats. I have no idea how to read into this dream. It may just mean I shouldn’t have mcflurries before bed.

I love storms, I look forward for the rain that is expected tonight. Most of all wearing my rain boots and raincoat. It’s a dream of mine to chase a storm someday. We’ll see. I went on somewhat of a cosmetic binge shopping spree. Bought shampoos and conditioners I don’t need quite yet, but good news is that hopefully it will give me the arousal portrayed in these old commercials…

BY THE WAY!-is that BUSTER?!

Things to look forward to this week: new Daft Punk comes out tomorrow, Camping this weekend!

Good day Ol Sport! I’ll leave you with my tune of the week.

 

 

It’s May?!

 

the above vid is not a vid, it’s my latest track addiction.

I haven’t written in a while, and the real reason is that my time has been filled with social gatherings, work, and happiness. I think I started this blog with how proud I was at my 2012 accomplishments, and just 5 months into 2013 I feel like I am making the right strides to climbing up the ladders.

I have applied for a full time position at the conservatory, and also offered a full time position at the florist. At this point I am just happy to be considered or encouraged to take the next steps by my colleagues and peers. I am hoping I get interviewed and offered the position at the conservatory because this is all I really have been working for. Event coordinator :). Keeping fingers crossed.

This week is mothers day week, which means absurd amounts of hours on my feet, and no time to stop and eat at the florist. I am trying my hardest to be nice to my coworkers and attempting to be patient. Patience is a virtue after all. Which brings me to my next subject.

I hate waiting, I never liked having to stop and hold for someone or something, however, this recent happiness, which credit of that goes to not only my jobs, and my friends, but a lot of smiles are because of those or that one around me. I never thought I was waiting, and looking back I guess I may have been, for something awesome, like these job opportunities, or someone awesome.

I have someone that I will call “happy” in my life now. This person makes me smile without even being around. Jokes are funnier, walks are calmer, songs are peppier. It’s nice having happy. There hasn’t been a reason to not be happy with happy. Happy is cool. Happy likes music, and sports, and takes interests in my interests. Happy is nice to my friends, and to Bella. Like I said, I don’t know if I was waiting, if it was me be patient, or Happy being patient with me, but I’m glad it’s finally here.

The smiles I carry around today are not like last years, I work hard, and will continue to work harder. I care more, and will continue to care stronger. I am happy. Normally after I confess I am happy something goes wrong, but even if something were to… I can get up, and I will again be in my happy position.

 

Bella and my heartbreak

Since moving out of Corey’s and living with grandma, Bella has had to live with my parents. I and my ex raised her to be a hunter. That is not a joke. My yorkie tea cup would growl at the doorbell, attack on command, she caught a rabbit once. My brave baby, has turned to mush and now she asks to be picked up to get on the couch or bed, she begs for your scraps, she sleeps a lot, and has gained two pounds rounding her out at a whopping 5lbs which is over weight for her stature.

I will be moving out in a couple short months. My dilemma is this, Bella is catered to at my parents and I wouldn’t be able to feed those needs because of my schedule and my roommates. She is no ones responsibility but my. Can I retrain her? Can she be the badass she used to be? Tearing her away from her beloved “grandpa and grandma” are going to break the hearts of everyone involved.

Aside from that, today is a gorgeous rainy day. I intend on going to the park I used to run in for cross country. Visiting Fratello’s for my favorite cheesburger, going to the antique mall, and finally hitting the gym cause I learned my membership for Cardinal fitness is still valid.

Today is a good day. I am awake and almost fully healthy. I am happy. I am loved. I will not take this for granted.

Those hamsters got to me…

Thanks for the compliment.

I was just with my friend Tracey, who informed me that a coworker of hers, which I haven’t even met but was part of the same group of people I was with over the weekend, hates me. Why? Seeing how we have never met, never had a conversation, never was a fraction of a thought in my head. Well, she had seen me in a picture her ex boyfriend had posted on facebook, there for, it meant I had slept with him. I want to clarify that I have never slept with Juan Carlos, not even fathom the thought of flirting with him.

If anything, this girl has only given my confidence another boost. I feel bad for the girl. She’s cute, and seemed nice, idk, she was there this weekend but like I said I didn’t meet her, but seemed like she was having fun. Anyway, it’s pretty obvious I intimidated her, or she has low self esteem, regardless, I want to thank her for fooling herself to think I can sleep with whoever I want. It makes me feel good that you feel shitty about yourself and have to talk about me. It’s cute that you know my name, and make up ficticious stories about me to drive yourself crazy. Your hate is flattering.

I was never the girl to strut my stuff. I was and possibly still am the ugly duckling. I don’t believe that I’m ugly because I stopped caring what other people saw, or approved of. I like myself. Not my exterior but I like that I can embarrass myself and not know it. I like that I will order all the steak and potatoes and frown upon salads. I like that I don’t have basic skills like math, swimming, or skateboarding down. I like that I can eat a lot. I like that I burp like a man. And I especially like that I sneeze 8 times in a row. All dumb reasons to like myself but these are things that make me. I own them. As far as my looks, I learned how to shave my legs and work out, and now this is what I’m working with.

So to the girl that hates me: Thank you, because I am flattered at the compliment that you think your ex boyfriend would think a girl like me is good enough or hot enough to sleep with.

The photo below is me now, sweaty, messy, no make up… straight out of the gym. Keeping it real.

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Sorry if I came off egotistical… I probably am.

 

Define Love: it’s evolution through my life

Love: by definition,

Noun
An intense feeling of deep affection: “their love for their country”.
Verb
Feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone): “do you love me?”.
Synonyms
noun. affection – fondness – darling – passion
It’s more to us chicks. I got a text from my ex today, making conversation about a song I had showed him a while back. It was flattering, the thought that he thought of me. Then it took me to a time of when I knew a different person, a person that I loved. I started to think of the ridiculousness of my emotions for him were, but were those emotions so crazy?

Ross: Senior year. 6 months. I love you was said first on my behalf. Smart, funny, dork, comic books, innocent, high school, more than anything I ever had. Here is the first boy that payed attention to me, telling me he like me and my personality. As a high school adolescent… how flattering?! 6 months we were “dating”. I “loved him” and as soon as it arrived it left. He was 6’3″ and muscular. Amazing abs. Fast on the track, and stole every romantic line off of The OC, which I didn’t watch (genius)

Dustin: 2006. Met through a mutual friend he had slept with.Together 1 year. Lived with him and his family in Winnebago. Had complete control of me and my finances. CONTROLLING. I don’t mean that as an insult, he seriously had a copy to my statements because I was the idiot that thought that was okay. I thought I was so in love with this guy that he had the right to have US on a family phone plan billed to him to see who I texted and called. He offered me a place to live after a fight with my mom (my parents hated him) so I lived with him, his parents, and two younger siblings. We had separate bedrooms. Why I thought I loved him is beyond me… brain wash? He is a good guy, but crazy to think I dealt with that. I mean, he got mad at me once cause I got my hair cut without his approval on the cost of it.

Kyle: 2008. Met at wing ding, he starred at my boobs while I was talking to his friend (red flag). That was in August. By October I  “loved” him. 2 years later, I had a house, dog and shared family and friends. Like a divorce, it fell apart. It was split, what went to who. Who purchased what. Bella belonged to me.

Love by my definition:

A feeling beyond like. I like you a lot. I like you more than a lot. I like you a bunch… let’s call this love. Love is the idea. Everyone is happy that there is a word for this extreme infatuation. But love to me, has a different definition every time. I love you. I love you enough to cry if you’re hurt. I love you enough to care. I love you because I am happy with you right now. I love you because this is more than what I had before. I love you. What a ridiculous sentence. I like you more than yesterday. That will be my vow. “I like you more than I did the day I met you, more than just an hour ago, you are smart, attractive, and good to me. I like you a lot, more this second than I did when I started this sentence”. Love is an endless idea. Give me the man or woman that loved the most, that tapped the Love tap at it’s fullest. Pretty sure it’d be Romeo and Juliet but they were dumbasses.

 

Love: A feeling beyond like, but if you say “love” you are limiting yourself and emotions.

Side note: I own the white dress featured in this vid.